The Customer from Heck
by agent000
Summary: What would happen if Ed were a cashier at a buffet restaurant, when a really bad customer came in? Just a little drabble I came up with.
1. The Customer from Heck

**_Yes, I know, I don't normally write drabbles, but I couldn't concentrate on a plot yesterday, yet I still wanted to write something. So, here it is, my first drabble. This is likely what Ed would have to go through if he were a cashier at a buffet restaurant. (Yeah, I was once a cashier at a buffet restaurant, in case you were wondering. Heh.) Hope you enjoy! Hehe_**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own FullMetal Alchemist. Sorry, I just don't. I may be obsessed with it, but no matter how much I obsess over the series, I just don't own it. If obsessing with something got it for you, can you imagine how many owners FMA would have by now?Hehehe_**

Edward stood in front of the cash register, and waited. The lunch hour was about to hit, and he knew that any minute now, the place would be overrun by customers. He took a deep breath, and prepared for the busiest time of the day.

Soon, and old man walked in the door and made his way up to the cash register. "I'll have the usual," he said. Edward stared at the man in dead silence for several seconds. Who the heck was he, anyway?

"I'm sorry, sir, I don't recognize you," said Edward.

"You don't? I come here every day!" the man said, slightly offended.

"Well," Edward shrugged, "I see hundreds of faces each day, so it's hard to keep track. What would you like?"

"Well, what have you got to eat?" said the man. Another blank stare from Edward.

"Sir, this is a buffet restaurant. All we have is the buffet."

"But you asked me what I wanted."

"Uh, yeah, that's because I wanted to know what you wanted to drink."

"Oh," said the customer, 'Yeah, I want a drink." Edward sighed and shook his head.

"Yeah, okay, but what do you WANT to drink?"

"Oh…well, what do you have?" Edward sighed again. Did this man honestly come every day?

"Our drinks are listed up there," said Edward, pointing at a menu above his head which was easy to see, but that hardly anyone ever looked at. Heck, if he ran off the list of drinks to every single customer, he'd lose his voice.

"Ummm…" said the customer slowly, meanwhile a line was forming behind him, "I'll have a Coke."

"We have Pepsi, is that okay?" asked Edward.

"I want Coke."

"We don't have Coke," said Edward, "All we have is Pepsi." The customer looked back up at the menu.

"Do you have anything orange?" asked the customer, like the fact that it wasn't on the menu didn't give him a clue.

"No, we don't have anything orange," said Edward, as patiently as possible, "We have lemonade and we have Hawaiian Punch."

"Does that punch taste good?" asked the man.

"Some people like it," answered Edward.

"Do you like it?" asked the customer.

"I prefer lemonade, personally," answered Edward.

"Okay, I'll have that then," said the man.

"Okay, great, so one lemonade and one meal. That brings your total to $8.12."

"That seems kind of high," said the customer. Edward double-checked the figures.

"No, it looks right to me," he said.

"Did I get my senior discount?" asked the man.

Edward sighed. "I'm not allowed to give discounts unless you say you're a senior."

"Well, I'm saying it."

"Let me go and get a manger to fix it then." Edward went to try and find one of the managers. The senior discount was only a difference of fifty cents, so it was ridiculous that customers were always making such a big fuss about it. It was even more ridiculous that he couldn't fix it himself, and had to call a manager.

Edward finally managed to find a manager and bring them over to fix the problem. She put a key into the register, punched in a few numbers, and then said, "There you go, Edward."

Edward stepped back in front of the cash register and took the customer's money, counted out his change, and handed it back to the customer. "Are you sure you gave me the right amount?" asked the man.

Edward pointed to the number on the screen denoting the amount of change he was to get back, then took the change back out of the customer's hand, and counted it back to him again, out loud.

"Okay, I guess you got it right," said the customer.

Edward tore off the customer's receipt and handed it to him. "Place this ticket on your table, and your server will bring you your drink." He paused for a moment, and then added, "Enjoy your meal."

"You too," said the customer. That would have been funny if he didn't hear that all the time.

The man finally left, and a woman and a child stepped up. "Phew!" said Edward out loud while wiping his brow. The woman and child chuckled.

"He sure gave you a hard time, didn't he?" asked the woman.

"Oh, I get customers like that all the time," chuckled Edward.

"Well, you handled it really well," said the woman.

"Thanks," said Edward, clearing out the last transaction on the cash register. He sighed. One down, only three hundred left to go.

**_Heh, yeah, another typical day as a buffet restaurant cashier. Ed handled it pretty well, didn't he? Yes, I know, he probably actually would've blown up long before then, but this is more or less how I usually handled it, so I just wrote it that way. Heh. Yes, I'm patient to a fault! _**

**_So, should I add more drabbles onto this one, or should I just mark it asa oneshot? Let me know in your reviews!_**


	2. Get Me Away from These Crazy Kids!

**_Wow! I can't believe how much response I got for "The Customer from Heck"! I didn't know that people were so interested in reading real-life type experiences with Ed as the main character! Heh! Hehehe...okay, I guess that that means I should write some more._**

**_I decided to take your suggestion, and have Ed work in a number of different places. Of course, I haven't worked in very many places, so if any of you could give me information on what a day is like in some other job, please let me know. Let me know as many details as possible, especially the annoying ones. Those are what makes this kind of drabble funny, though some of them probably won't be as funny as others, but still...yeah, I think you get the idea._**

**_Anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter. Let me a review if you like it or have a suggestion, okay?_**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own FullMetal Alchemist, okay? Enough said._**

Edward knocked on the door of the house, and waited. He shifted his weight from one foot to another. Yes, he was a little bit nervous, as he had never babysat for this family before.

Soon, a woman answered the door. "Edward, good to see you. Please come in." She stepped aside and gestured him in through the door.

Two little kids, a boy and a girl, came running into the room. "Who is it, Mommy? Who is it?"

The woman smiled. "Kids, this is your new babysitter, Edward." The kids just stared at Ed for a moment before saying anything.

Finally, the little boy spoke up. "You're really tall!" Edward chuckled. He really liked kids.

"But you're shorter than Mommy," said the little girl. Ed wasn't so sure of how much he liked kids now.

"Are you a boy or a girl?" asked the little boy. That did it, Ed didn't like kids anymore.

Edward sighed. "I'm a boy. I grow my hair long because I like it that way."

"But it makes you look like a sissy!" said the boy. This kid was getting annoying.

"I'm not a sissy," said Edward, putting his hands on his hips. "Look at this!" He pulled back his right sleeve and exposed his auto-mail.

"Cool!" cried the kids.

"Well, I guess that you'll get along just fine," said the mother, "I'll see you tonight then."

She turned to leave, and Edward was about to plead with her not to leave him with these crazy kids when he suddenly realized that the kids had wrapped their arms around his legs, preventing him from moving. The mother chuckled and left.

Edward again put his hands on his hips and muttered, "Great, now I'm stuck with you guys."

The kids let go of his legs, jumped up and said, "Yeah!" Then, they both ran off, and were back in a moment each carrying a book.

"Read me a story!" said the boy, handing the book to Ed.

"No, read me this story!" said the girl, handing her book to Ed.

"I can read both stories, silly kids," said Edward. The kids smiled, turned, and ran off again. They were back in a moment carrying a bunch more books.

"Read me this, and this, and this..." said both kids, handing him all the books, one by one.

Edward shook his head. "I'm not going to read this many stories."

"Why not?" whined the kids.

"Because it would wear my voice out," explained Edward.

"No, it won't!" said the little boy.

"Well, whatever," said Edward, deciding against arguing with him, since you can never win an argument against a kid, "I'm not going to read this many stories. I'll read one each, and that's it."

Amazingly, the kids didn't argue, and each picked a book for Edward to read. So, he read them the stories, though it took him a lot longer to read them than he thought, since the whole story reading was filled with the kids' commentary.

Finally, the books were read, so the kids jumped up and ran off. Edward sighed and got up to chase after them. Kids, so full of energy. Where did they get it all from?

Edward was looking everywhere he could, trying to find the kids, but they'd disappeared. He was just starting to get worried when the little girl suddenly jumped out and grabbed his leg, causing him to fall over. Both kids then piled on top of him, and giggled, and giggled, and giggled. Edward had to chuckle a bit too. These kids were pretty smart. They had managed to fool him, after all.

Finally, Ed managed to escape from being pinned down by the crazy little kids, so the three of them went and played for awhile.

The mother eventually came home, right in the middle of Ed giving the kids a demonstration of what happens when you mix baking soda and vinegar together. Needless to say, the kids were ecstatic. The mother chuckled.

"So, you're a scientist, eh, Edward?" asked the mother.

I'm an alchemist, what do you think? He thought. "Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"Well, it looks like you all had a lot of fun," said the mother, who then turned to her kids and said, "It's time for Edward to go now, kids. Say goodbye to him."

"NOOOO!" shouted the kids, grabbing at his legs again. Ed and the mother both chuckled a bit, and then the mother explained to the kids that if they were good and let Ed go, that he would come back again soon and play with them. They liked that, so they let go.

The mother walked Edward outside. "Wow," she said, "They've never gotten so attacked to a babysitter before. What did you do?"

Edward shrugged. "I don't know. I just put up with them, I guess."

The mother chuckled. "That's probably what made the difference." She reached into her purse and pulled out a twenty dollar bill. "Here you go, and thanks for your help. Would you be willing to come again next week?"

Edward shrugged. "Sure, I've got nothing else to do. Besides, they're kind of fun…sometimes."

The mother laughed. "I'm glad you had a good time. See you next week." Edward waved goodbye and started the walk back home. Yep, that job was almost fun.

**_Thanks for reading. I hope that you enjoyed it. Please leave meareview!_**


	3. Who Took My Box Cutter?

**_Here's yet another crazy drabble. I appreciate all the suggestions that I've gotten thus far, and I'm going to use them soon, but I decided that since I work at Wal-Mart, I had better do a Wal-Mart drabble. Makes sense, right? I recorded this whole drabble into my little digital voice recorder yesterday on my way home from the library. Yeah, I can finally make use of that wasted time! Hehe. (Yeah, I waste it even further writing silly drabbles like this.)_**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own FullMetal Alchemist. Witty comment...witty comment...sorry, I'm still looking for a witty comment...come back later._**

Edward walked over to the platform and pulled a box off of the top of the stack of boxes and placed it on the floor. He hated doing break packs, but they had to be done every night, so he didn't really have much of a choice. He just had to grit his teeth and bear it while sorting through all the various pieces of merchandise.

He reached into his vest pocket for his box cutter, and to his surprise, found that it wasn't there! He looked in his other pocket, but it wasn't there either. What happened to his box cutter?

He turned to the person nearest him. "Have you seen my box cutter?" he asked the person.

"No, I haven't seen your box cutter. Why, did you lose it?"

"No, I never lose my box cutter," said Edward, "Somebody took it!"

"No, I doubt anyone took it, Edward. You probably just misplaced it. Are you sure that you put it in your pocket?"

"Yes, I specifically remember putting it in that pocket."

"Well maybe it just fell out."

"It fall out, somebody took it, I swear!"

"Nobody took your box cutter," said the other person, "Now try to think back to where you might have lost it."

"I didn't lose it! I'm telling you, somebody took my box cutter!"

Just then, the CSM walked over. "Is something the matter here?" she asked.

"Somebody took my box cutter!" said Edward.

"Somebody took your box cutter?" said the CSM, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive!" he said.

The person that Edward had originally asked stepped next to the CSM and said, "He's just accusing someone of stealing his box cutter. I'm not sure if that's actually happened."

The CSM nodded that she understood, and looked at Edward. "Have you tried looking in all the places that you might have lost it?"

"I'm telling you that I didn't lose it. Somebody took it!"

"Now, now," said the CSM, "Who would take a box cutter?"

"I don't know who would take it, but somebody obviously did! Why don't you believe me?"

The CSM and the fellow employee just shook their heads and walked off, telling him to just continue with his work. They thought he was nuts anyway. That's okay, because they were right.

Edward was rampaging around, flailing his arms. "Who took my box cutter? I want my box cutter back!"

Everyone of course just tried to brush him off or tell him that no one had taken his box cutter and that he should just go and buy himself a new one. Of course, he didn't want that, he wanted the thief to be caught.

"I'll get justice," he said, "I'll go to the highest court! The thief will be found and punished for his evil deed."

Of course, that left everybody dumbfounded. They kind of thought that sounded stupid. Even by Wal-Mart's standards, that sounded stupid to them.

Edward was just about to start pulling his hair out when someone walked up to him and said, "Here's your box cutter back, I borrowed it."

Edward was furious. "You took my box cutter and didn't even ask?"

"Well, you weren't using it," said the man, "So I just…borrowed it."

"Do you know how long I've been looking for that thing and making a fool of myself trying to convince people that somebody took it?"

"Geez," said the man, "At least I returned it. The least you could do is show a little gratitude."

"Gratitude? For taking my box cutter?"

"Well, I could have kept it, you know."

"But that still doesn't make you deserve any gratitude from me!"

The man just idly tossed the box cutter in Edward's direction and turned around and left, shaking his head like Edward was the idiot. Edward picked up the box cutter and shoved it face down into his vest pocket, forgetting to pull the blade in.

"Darn, now I've got a vest to repair! Things just aren't going my way today!"

With that, he grabbed his box, cut it open with the box cutter, and started his work day.

**_Hope you liked that. Believe it or not, I really did lose my box cutter, hence the inspiration. I don't think anyone took it though...I don't think...hmm..._**

**_Heh, anyway, please leave me a review if you liked it, or even if you didn't. Heck, leave me a review even if you don't care! Hehe...feel free to leave any suggestions you might have._**


	4. The Sticker Gun

**_Yeah, I got another drabble written up. (You all cringe in fear.) Hey, it's not THAT bad! It's another Wal-Mart one. For some reason, those are the easiest ones for me to write. Huh, wonder why? Heh. I'll use your suggestions, I swear, it's just easier to write Wal-Mart based ones, so expect those to show up frequently. Hope you enjoy!_**

**_Disclaimer: I do not own FMA. No time for witty remarks, so just read the drabble, will ya?_**

Edward stood by the door of the local Wal-Mart that he worked at and sighed. Such was the life of an overnight cashier at Wal-Mart. You had to do break packs one moment, register the next, and then people greeting the next. Because of the lesser traffic at night, they didn't hire individual people to do individual jobs. People had to do just about everything, and he just hated having to watch the door.

This was the most boring job they could have possibly given him to do. Sure, he'd smile and greet people as they came in the door or were about to leave, and if someone had failed to deactivate an item at the register, he would go about getting it deactivated so that it would quit setting off the alarm. And, of course, he would answer the phone whenever it would ring. Aside from that though, this was a really boring job.

He twirled the ticket gun in his hand. Man, he wished there was something to do while he was waiting. If only there were anything to do, ANYTHING! He squeezed the lever on the ticket gun, and a pink sticker came out. Hmm...what could he do with that?

He pulled it off and stuck it on his forehead. That was something to do. He squeezed the lever again. Another ticket came out. He pulled it off and stuck it somewhere else on his face. Hmm...this was interesting. He pulled out yet another sticker, and another.

Soon he had stickers all over his face. It was stupid, but it gave him something to do. Before long, he was bored with that, and was moving along to try and find something else to do. But, of course, there really wasn't much TO do. So, he just remained bored, bored, bored, bored, BORED!

After a while, the CSM walked up to him and said, "Edward, I'm going to need to put you over on register 15." He turned to face her, and she jumped back in fright. "What the heck happened here?"

Oh no, Ed thought, I forgot to take the stickers off my face! The CSM remained in shock for a moment, and then started laughing uncontrollably. "Go and take the stickers off your face, and then come back to register 15." She turned and walked away, laughing and laughing and laughing. That wasn't the reaction Edward had expected. Oh well. What the heck.

He started to pull the stickers off his face. Ouch! They were starting to really stick, now that they had been on so long. Darn. Why hadn't he removed them before? Anyway, he continued to remove them until they were all gone. He rubbed the sticky spots on his face, and made his way to register 15.

When he got there, the CSM was waiting for him. She turned and looked at him, and smirked. "Edward," she said, "Are you aware that we don't put stickers on our faces while we're watching the door?"

Edward scratched the back of his head. "Uhh...sorry, I guess I got a little carried away from being bored."

She chuckled. "I understand, but next time, let's not put stickers all over our face. It really weirds out the customers." Edward acknowledged that he understood, and promised that he wouldn't do it again. So, he put his drawer into the register, and began ringing some people through.

Before long, however, a customer came up and said, "Hey, it's that sticker-faced kid!" Oh no, now he was starting to get a reputation for that sticker-faced antic he'd pulled! The customer walked over to him. "So, do they actually allow you to wear stickers all over your face during work hours?"

Edward blushed and shook his head. "Uh, no, they don't. They made me take them off."

The customer started laughing really hard. When he finally calmed down, he explained, "They had to MAKE you take them off, huh? You liked them that much?"

Edward blushed and shrugged. "I was just bored, I guess. I don't know what I was thinking."

The customer just started laughing again and walked off. Edward shook his head and sighed. He'd never live this one down.

**_Thanks for reading, please review!_**


	5. What Do You Mean You Watch DVDs?

**_Wow, I'm actually updating this? Sure enough. The world must be about to end. Anyway, I'm starting to pull out of a long bout of writer's block, finally, so I'm not sure if this is funny or not, but hopefully will at least be somewhat amusing. I still have one amusing Wal-Mart story left to do, but I figured I'd take a quick break from Wal-Mart and do this first. Yes, I've done this job too, but only for a few days. Couldn't stand it, hehe._**

**_Disclaimer: Why would I even _want _to claim I owned someone like Ed? Wouldn't that be slavery? Ed has his own free will, and I let him come and go as he pleases. We have a mutual respect, so I won't claim ownership of him, hehe._**

Another day at work. Lovely. Edward couldn't express how much he loved calling up random people and trying to sell them things they already had. The job was so… uninspiring. Or unperspiring if you prefer, or even perspiring if dealing with crazy customers.

But back to Edward. He sighed and hit the button on the phone and listened in his headset as it dialed its next number. He looked at the screen as the name of his next contact popped up. Norga-what? How the heck was he supposed to say that? Couldn't the company have provided some pronunciation tips with all the crazy names?

A click. "Hello?"

Edward took a hasty breath. "Hello, is Mr…. Norgamuffin there?"

"Norgamatron! Why do people keep getting that wrong?"

"S-sorry," said Edward, and he cleared his throat. "Mr. Norgamatron, this is Edward calling on behalf of Satellite TV, and I was wondering what kind of programming you watched most often?"

"We watch DVDs."

Edward blinked. "…You watch DVDs?"

"Yes, we do."

Edward cleared his throat again and shook his head. "Okay, but um, when you _do_ watch TV, what do you watch?"

"We don't watch TV, we watch DVDs."

This was getting ridiculous. And stupid. Maybe this particular customer deserved a little less respect, but he daren't go too far unless he wanted to lose his job. "But… you're a satellite TV subscriber!"

"Yeah…"

"So why are you paying for it if you never watch it?"

"You'll have to talk to my wife. She's the one who watches it."

Edward breathed a sigh of relief. Now they were finally getting somewhere. "Okay, so do you know what she watches when she watches TV?"

"She watches DVDs."

Edward growled under his breath and tugged at a lock of his hair. How much longer could he put up with this kind of nonsense? It was a good thing he didn't know the guy on the other end of the line, or there might've been bloodshed by now.

A muffled voice appeared in the background, a woman's voice. Edward tried to listen in, but he couldn't hear a word. He hoped that was the guy's wife.

"It's just a telemarketer, honey," said the guy, "some guy from Satellite TV."

Edward waited patiently for another moment as the muffled female voice said whatever she was saying, and then the guy finally turned his attention back to Edward. "Well, my wife is here."

He breathed a sigh of relief. Finally they would get somewhere. "What kind of programming does she watch most often?"

The guy relayed this message to his wife while Edward waited, drumming his fingers impatiently on the desk. Finally, the guy turned back to Edward and said, "She watches DVDs."

Edward threw his head back as he sighed in frustration. He could swear the guy was laughing at him even as the line went dead. These customers were evil. What made him sign on with this company again?

He wasn't yet done with the call though, as stupid as that was. Company policy dictated one last statement from him, even if the customer had already hung up. "Thank you for your time, and if you have any questions, check out our website or call our toll-free number."

He sighed and closed his eyes. He was supposed to push the button for his next call, but he didn't want to. He didn't want to ever again. He reached up, grabbed his headset and threw it at the screen, then jumped up and ran out of the room shouting, "I quit!"

He felt he'd never made a better decision.

**_Hope you liked that. No, the company I worked for wasn't called Satellite TV, but I'm not sure they'd like how I quoted a good portion of the pitch we had to use, so I changed the name just to be safe, hehe. I should get around to updating this with some more stories since I've had more experiences since I last wrote. Would anyone be interested in seeing Ed as a street performer? Yes, believe it or not, I've done that too. Interesting job, I must say._**

**_Anyway, hopefully I'll see you all around again soon. Thanks for reading this, and take care!_**


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